How (Not) to Create a Historical Fencing Group...

The original text was published on the Český Šerm (Czech Fencing) website, from where I have taken it in its unchanged form.

Bored of wooden sword fighting groups already? You've beaten everyone and you have so many bruises you don't know what to do with them? Also, hand on heart, everyone around you is fourteen and you're a head taller? And money is tight? Want to try something manlier? Tougher? Better? Got a few mates who are in the same boat? Start a historical fencing group!
And because, as you surely know, this is no simple matter, and the older, established groups make fun of you, and they sit there, the old geezers, hoarding their gigs and know-how, and won't share any advice, I have decided to create a simple guide for you on how to quickly and effortlessly become a direct competitor to the Merlets and similar relics. (Which is also why I remain in pastry-based anonymity, you understand — they might want to take revenge on me!)

I have taken the liberty of arranging all procedures and advice into numbered points which, if you follow them carefully, will lead to well-deserved success. I should add that I have been fencing for quite a while now, actually for a good many years, so I obviously know a thing or two about it!

The Group Name

Yes, the group obviously needs a name! You have several options to choose from.

1. A nice name in your native language evoking a medieval atmosphere. (dagger, sword, spear, shield, helmet, cuirass, or the ever-original “Knights.”) The downside is that most of these names are already taken. “Knights” is so popular, for instance, that we already have Knights of This and Knights of That, and more keep popping up.
2. A foreign name. Here the content matters less — it should end in –is (e.g. Syphilis), or –ix (e.g. Crucifix), or –ium (e.g. Aquarium). The advantage of a foreign name is that it makes you look like you know “what's up.” If you don't know any foreign names, you can:
3. Generate a name by rolling a six-sided die! Create three rows of syllables, six in each. Then roll the die three times and your original group name is born.
   1 - De ta um
   2 - Co mo in
   3 - Me si ium
   4 - Da rce es
   5 - Lu cho ti
   6 - Xe ne oti
   
   I rolled 3, 4, 1, so my group is called Merceum. Nifty, eh?

Choosing a Commander

You must have a commander — someone to represent you, be proud and haughty, arrange performances, berate the members and be bad-mouthed by the members. If starting the group was your idea, quickly declare yourself commander before anyone starts questioning the matter. If you don't manage in time, the one with the longest sword becomes commander.

Equipment

Others have written about this many times, so just briefly. Above all, you must have iron weapons! You'll sort out the rest somehow. Kronďák (a Czech sword maker) is reliable and really tough. If you want a more visually splendid sword (for a nobleman, not a foot soldier), get a Zackl — those come nicely polished and big (the swords, of course!). The pommel supposedly comes loose, but no matter, just glue it with superglue. And the moment you have iron swords, you can boldly throw yourself into the most important thing of all:

Performances

Performances are the alpha and omega of every group. If you don't perform, you might as well not exist. You could, admittedly, just go to battles, but it's not the same and it doesn't bring in cash. Plus, these days battles are full of LH (living history) fanatics who don't wash, wipe themselves with moss, sew their underpants with a flint needle, and stab(!) people with spears. But we don't do LH, so underpants sewn by a Chinese child will do just fine, and we'll stick to performances.
Right then, but what if no suitable scenario comes to mind? Don't despair — you don't have to look far for inspiration. There's no point inventing new, original performances; people just want to be entertained, and why change what's tried and tested? Here is a concise list of standard fencing performances:

1. The Tavern
   Who doesn't know the classic medieval tavern? A drinking bout of knights and rogues, full of merry jests, brawls, duels, and stunt work? The duels can have all sorts of classic plot hooks:
   1. That's my seat!
   2. That's my (beer, mead, wine, something else)!
   3. That's my food!
   4. That's my goblet!
   5. Let's rob him!
   6. That's my coin purse.
   7. That's my dagger.
   The only appropriate response is: “Come and get it then, (you filth / you churl / you dog / you coward — cross out as applicable)!”
   The comedy consists principally of falling on the ground, pursing lips, rolling eyes, and kicking backsides. By combining these elements you can fill the performance time to whatever length you require (i.e. you are flexible to the organiser's needs — don't forget to put this in your promotional materials!)
   The performance invariably ends with the arrival of a sharp-tongued tavern-keeper's wife wielding a broom, who sweeps everyone off the stage with the occasional cry of: “Out with you, you rabble!”
   Well-deserved applause follows.
   
   
2. The Brigands
   Another by-now-classic work of the fencing world. A lady, or just a knight (possibly with a retinue, if there are enough of you) is ambushed by brigands. Brigands are evil and wild, albeit comical, characters, and for some reason they are most interested in the victim's boots. I don't know why boots specifically, but let's accept it as fact and tradition. The brigands must, however, never actually succeed in getting the boots, because inside the boots are Adidas trainers that the audience must not see! The futile attempts to wrench them off the victim's feet are, however, a welcome comedic interlude. The boots should at least vaguely resemble riding boots; the knight must be the one wearing them, since they are typically the only historical boots in the group. We're certainly not going to draw the audience's attention to the brigands' sneakers. The performance invariably ends with the brigands quarrelling and fighting amongst themselves and dying, or with the arrival of one brigand's wife with a broom, who chases them off stage with the occasional cry of: “Out with you, you rabble!”
   Well-deserved applause follows.
   
   
3. Lecture on Arms and Armour
   A performance suitable for schools, or when there are too few of you, or you simply can't be bothered to exert yourselves. The advantage of this performance is that two performers can manage it easily; in critical cases, one will do. You know sod-all about history? No matter. Surely one of your members has an encyclopaedia where you can find something. If not, ask your history teacher (he knows the same sod-all as you, but to save face he'll make something up). Then you write it on a piece of paper, singe the edges with a lighter, and off you go to a performance that will introduce audiences to the history of medieval warfare in an entertaining and educational manner.
   It's good to open the lecture by stating that even cavemen used to bash each other over the head with clubs. This will certainly captivate the audience. Then you can wax eloquent about swords, bastard swords, flails, staffs, and daggers. Shoot centuries from the hip — plus or minus two centuries is within the norm; nobody will be listening anyway. It's good to wrap up with the present day. A witty remark about sword dances won't do any harm! You'll intersperse the lecture with the occasional duel. The ideal order is: daggers, swords, bastard swords (never say “hand-and-a-half sword” — that doesn't sound badass), flail, and axe. You can conclude the lecture with the arrival of one performer's wife with a broom, who chases everyone away with the cry: “Get home, you rabble!”
   Well-deserved applause follows.
   
   
4. Training
   Essentially quite similar to the lecture, except that there are more performers, they play recruits, and the commander shows off at them. He stops them in the middle of a duel with the words: “Not like that, greenhorn — you're gripping the sword too tightly!” only to then demonstrate the exact same thing. But if he looks important enough, nobody will notice. Training the recruits can (as in the previous lecture) be supplemented with wisdoms about fencing, weapons, armour, and basically anything that comes to mind. The important thing is to create an amusing atmosphere. The recruits must therefore be clumsy, and the commander must issue nonsensical orders (for example: stand up, lie down, stand up, lie down, stand up… repeated rapidly in succession so the recruits can't keep up. The audience always finds this very funny.)
   Try as many weapons as possible; don't shy away from ranged weapons either (you can whittle a bow from a hazel branch and it won't even cost anything). Nobody knows how to use them? Simply don't dwell on it and everything will be fine. It is absolutely essential to conclude the performance with the arrival of the commander's wife with a broom, who with the cry: “So you're playing soldiers, are you? March home — the children are crying, the cows are mooing, the fields are full of weeds, you rabble!” chases the performers off the stage.
   Well-deserved applause follows.
   
   
5. The Tournament
   This will be your finest performance, almost devoid of jests, so make sure you wash the mantles you cut from bedsheets, I'm telling you! First, select from your ranks a member who has a lisp, or some other speech impediment. He will be the herald. If you don't have a suitable outfit for him, put him in a monk's habit — nobody will notice the difference. Then pile up every piece of armour you own and give it all to one, preferably the skinniest, member (ideally the commander). He will be the fearsome warrior. The rest must make do with mantles. If one of your members doesn't have a sword, no matter. Give him a plain tunic and a staff — he'll be the brave villager trying his luck in combat. Everyone knows tournaments were full of such fighters. He can also be dramatically knighted at the end for his valour (the fearsome warrior does the knighting). The others must laugh at him, mainly because he stinks. I'm sure you all know how a tournament works; I needn't describe that. Towards the end, the fearsome warrior appears, defeats everyone, and is promptly defeated by the villager, who is then knighted. The ending can be done in two ways:
   1. A woman arrives with a sword and says she wants to fight too. The others mock her, saying she's a woman and therefore must embroider and sweep. The woman defeats them all, shoves a broom into their hands, and with the cry: “Off you go and sweep, you rabble!” chases them all off stage.
   2. A woman arrives with a broom and with the cry: “What's all this fighting, you rabble? I need to clean up here!” chases everyone off stage with the broom. The last one to be subdued is the fearsome warrior (the audience always finds this very funny).
   Well-deserved applause follows.

Music

Music must accompany the performance, and I shan't leave you without advice here either. Film soundtracks are best — any one you like will do. But since you already have classic performances, I would recommend classic music to go with them. Here is a top 6:

1. Vangelis, Conquest of Paradise – numero uno. You can never go wrong with this one.
2. Conan the Barbarian + Conan the Destroyer – an absolute classic, offering many moods, mysterious sounds, and heroic music. An absolute necessity.
3. Carmina Burana – the obvious choice for a tournament or any piece featuring a knight. Replaces plate armour by 50 percent.
4. The Last of the Mohicans – very heroic and motivating. The audience will be amazed by your originality. Together with them, you'll discover it suits the Middle Ages just fine and you don't even need a single Native American.
5. The new kid on the block: Pirates of the Caribbean – now you too can reap some of Mr Depp's glory. Imitate him and enjoy the well-deserved applause.
6. And finally, ERA! For instance, the song Ameno Dorime will practically do the performance for you. LH doesn't even come close!

Promotional Materials

These serve to make the general public and, most importantly, event organisers aware of your existence. The most common and most effective means of promotion is a website. Surely one of your members has some command of HTML Kit or some similar little program, so go right ahead! The important thing is to create a medieval atmosphere. For this you shall use animated GIFs — flaming torches, skulls with flashing eyes, or a combination of both are especially welcome. Steal them from some heavy metal band's website and copy them as many times as humanly possible. On the homepage, write: “Welcome, weary traveller!” in some illegible font.

The website must also contain a Members section. There you shall place a photo of each member (ideally holding a cigarette) and a detailed questionnaire concerning their person. Each member shall list their favourite weapon (bastard sword), what weapons they can wield (all the others), how much they weigh, how tall they are, what metal they listen to, how many RPGs they play, that they like mead and women (despite still being a virgin), their favourite fantasy book, their favourite fantasy character, a quote from said favourite fantasy character, and a life motto. Anyone who can't think of one should use Carpe Diem!

The next section will be Performances. You need to take promotional photos. It doesn't have to be at a castle (we don't do LH); a meadow or a little park will do, or in a pinch, one of the members' back gardens. Don't forget to smile at the camera, even when shooting a battle scene. It is also desirable to make a video. Two members in a back garden will gently clink their blades together, smile pleasantly at each other, and occasionally utter in a bored voice: “I'll kill you.”
List the above-mentioned types of performances and add prices (approx. 200 – 300 euros + travel expenses).

The next section — Gallery — is directly related to photography. The Gallery must include the so-called “humorous photo.” A humorous photo is best produced by combining the costume with some modern object, ideally a plastic airsoft AK assault rifle. If you don't have anything suitable, you'll have to settle for pulling faces and gurning at the camera, but it won't be the same. Fill the rest of the gallery with photos from Libušín (a legendary Czech castle ruin where reenactors gather for epic parties), preferably the ones taken in the dark where you are visibly drunk.

Conclusion

You are now ready to directly compete with established and professional groups. You have 5 types of performances, promotional materials, you know how it's done, and you fear nothing. Winning some sort of prize is merely a matter of a few months. You will entertain many thousands of spectators, bring smiles to so many children's faces! I am proud to have been able to help you with my little bit of knowledge. And don't forget: fencing is above all in the heart! And not, as many would have you believe, in some overpriced courses! Long live fencing!

Yours, Waffle